I can only have faith that as I discover who I am, as I allow my life to teach me more about all the crevices of my being...
...what the body needs, what kind of relationships are right for me, my understanding of God, and even super small things that are no less important like what kind of chair I want to sit in at my desk - if I even want a desk, what kind of sleeping surface feels right for me. There's a feeling of rightness that I can recognize in all of that. I know that feeling very well and I'm getting to know that feeling even better. I experience it sometimes when I sit next a friend and feel the deep comfort of their breathing body next to mine. I experience it when I make the choice to eat red meat beyond all beliefs and dogmas to the contrary - when my depression suddenly lifts the moment I take my first bite. I experience it often when I close my eyes while with a client and fall into just the right words. I can only have faith that as I discover more of the truth in all the crevices of my life that my human existence will ever become a devotional practice, a life of love, the spiritual path that is so right for me. A path that does not assert rules and dogmas, a path that does not sacrifice the means for the sake of the ends, a path that is not lofty or complicated. Just a path that embodies the sacred in, though and as everything. Simple and Awesome in the truest sense.
No teacher can succeed in giving me the lifestyle I seek. For this lifestyle must come from within. It must come from self knowledge - which is not something anyone can impart unto another. Sometimes I miss the simple devotional life of living as an orthodox Jew. For many years I lived that way, and at times was full of joy and faith. Sometimes I envy those who have sustained meditation practices for many years. I have given myself to various meditation practices over the past decade - yet none for more than a year or so at a time.
Yet I can no longer envy what is for someone else while the richness and fullness of my own life is still being discovered. I can only cultivate more openness, more curiosity for what THIS path looks like. I can only acknowledge that I am on it right now - that this journey is exactly right for me and it is unfolding in the most genuine, authentic way possible right now. It will only continue to do so. I am grateful for that.