I find myself drawing the line in the sand, "nope, that person, that thought, that apple... that's not God. I don't see love there." And then life amazingly, truly amazingly offers me the opportunity time and time and time again to open up to love more than I thought I could, more than I thought I should. It's heartbreaking and beautiful.
There is suffering and there is a deep knowing that all is God. All I can do is return to offer my attention to the deep inner knowing of God. I need not try to answer all of my questions, I need not try to resolve all the places of worry and fear. How can I perceive literally anything and anyone for what it truly is when I believe in separation; when I draw imaginary lines in the sand and think that there is something other than the oneness? Perception can only be obscured.
The more I wake up to love, the more whole perspective I will have on everyone and everything. I need only address this present moment with such care and sincerity. I need only to love right now. All that is, I belong to you and I am committed to remember who I am.
I can only have faith that as I discover who I am, as I allow my life to teach me more about all the crevices of my being...
...what the body needs, what kind of relationships are right for me, my understanding of God, and even super small things that are no less important like what kind of chair I want to sit in at my desk - if I even want a desk, what kind of sleeping surface feels right for me. There's a feeling of rightness that I can recognize in all of that. I know that feeling very well and I'm getting to know that feeling even better. I experience it sometimes when I sit next a friend and feel the deep comfort of their breathing body next to mine. I experience it when I make the choice to eat red meat beyond all beliefs and dogmas to the contrary - when my depression suddenly lifts the moment I take my first bite. I experience it often when I close my eyes while with a client and fall into just the right words. I can only have faith that as I discover more of the truth in all the crevices of my life that my human existence will ever become a devotional practice, a life of love, the spiritual path that is so right for me. A path that does not assert rules and dogmas, a path that does not sacrifice the means for the sake of the ends, a path that is not lofty or complicated. Just a path that embodies the sacred in, though and as everything. Simple and Awesome in the truest sense.
No teacher can succeed in giving me the lifestyle I seek. For this lifestyle must come from within. It must come from self knowledge - which is not something anyone can impart unto another. Sometimes I miss the simple devotional life of living as an orthodox Jew. For many years I lived that way, and at times was full of joy and faith. Sometimes I envy those who have sustained meditation practices for many years. I have given myself to various meditation practices over the past decade - yet none for more than a year or so at a time.
Yet I can no longer envy what is for someone else while the richness and fullness of my own life is still being discovered. I can only cultivate more openness, more curiosity for what THIS path looks like. I can only acknowledge that I am on it right now - that this journey is exactly right for me and it is unfolding in the most genuine, authentic way possible right now. It will only continue to do so. I am grateful for that.
This Leo Aquarius full Moon is happening in my 5th and 11th house. Both of which are ruled by the Sun and Uranus which are conjunct in my third house in Sagittarius. For those who speak astro, good day to start a blog no?
For those who don't speak only astro, I want to write a bit about why I'm actually starting this blog.
It's been a long time aspiration for me to share more. Everyday I find myself writing things down - jokes, stories, insights, and just lots of things. Most of it just stays in my journal or on my computer and recently that hasn't felt totally fulfilling to me. There is an urging from within to share more. So I created this blog as a designated space for me to share all that is within me. Or a lot of what is within me.
This is healthy for me, and I hope that this will be of benefit for others as well. A few weeks ago, around the time when I was really beginning to notice the need to share more, I shared this on facebook:
"Like when we have a crush on someone and we get all fluttery in the heart just as much as we feel all knotted up in the stomach. Like how we are simultaneously filled with euphoria and nausea - how the pressure of attraction only gets "worse" the more we think about it, the more we deliberate over it. Like how sometimes we just gotta ask them out on a date, write a letter - how we just gotta OPEN OUR HEARTS and get the energy out there. This is what I'm experiencing with my LIFE. I feel so much love, so much inspiration and its so uncomfortable! And yet this energy just needs to move. Each time I write a full moon or new moon teaching I feel AMAZING. The energy gets released and I feel better. It's like writing a love letter to my biggest crush ever. Ah, big relief. You are that person to me. The entire world is my crush and the more I open my heart to you, the more I realize how much I love you. More than anything I want to live from my heart.
I am hearing a big calling at this time to just LET FUCKING GO! A couple years ago I had a dream where I attended a rock concert. The band was singing a song with these lyrics: "Get out of your head, get out of your head and into your heart, and into my heart." So that's my song right now (maybe I'll sing it soon and post it!) - though I'm more interesting in living it than just singing it.
I get really tripped up with the "hows" and the "whats" (and the wheres and the whens). The truth is, I really don't know "how to" or "what to" I just know that I NEED TO. I'm sure there are books and videos and classes and concerts and poetry and home made chocolate and other things I can't even know right now that will come through my heart for the rest of my life. I care more about the present moment, that I am sharing the love that I am right now, more than figuring out "what" to share or "how" to share it. The mind truly doesn't know how to move forward from here. It's just gonna have tag along! The heart is driving now and, oh boy, I have no clue where its gonna take me. Also it's a new driver, so there may be some accidents and it might break the rules sometimes because it doesn't really know that there are any."
This has been a strong meditation for me over this past month. To just share. Each time I do I feel a bit more relaxed, more healthy, and really more human - more accessible, more connected, more whole.
I've posted some other things recently on facebook, including a video that professes my love for avocados. However facebook only reaches facebook. I need a blog that is Ari Moshe's place. Like having my own home. This blog feels like an intimate, homey enviroment that I get to invite you into. I like that - and it's not centralized towards a particular social media site which means it is accessible to anyone who wishes to follow.
What to expect
I can't say I know. We will find out together. I'll share lots of astrology things - of course. I'll also share the things that I love doing. I have a youtube channel that's got lots of my songs. As far as I'm concerned, there is not a difference between writing and singing, it's just different ways of putting the raw materials of life together to express truth. It's all love and all truth. It's like the difference between the sweetness of an orange and the beauty of a sunset. So I think I'll be sharing whatever I'm called to here.
I got lots of personal recipes too. I think if I share them I'll remember them and make yummy food more often.
I close this blog with another post I shared on facebook a few days after the one I posted above. This pretty much sums up where I'm at these days.
"Most of us have these places of inner shame and guilt that we are totally devastated to share with others. We are ashamed of some inner reality, embarrassed about ourselves and our situation. So we tend to overcompensate to portray the exact opposite reality of what is really going on - all the while pushing the emotions even further away.
This serves to eventually only manifest that which we were most afraid of. People find out the thing we didn't want them to know, circumstances unfold in exactly the way we didn't want it to happen. If the shock is more than we are willing to accept, we just deny everything even more. Life becomes just about defense and protection. It's like a clown trying to act like he's not wearing any makeup when clearly his face is smothered with powder and lipstick. That requires a lot of effort!
Often I hold the harsh attitude that if I can "figure it out" and solve my "issues" right now then everything will be fine and no one will ever even know; I wont be a burden to anyone and I will still be loved. Instead of embracing my emotions, I try to solve and get rid of a "problem" - the reality of which was only born from the denial of my emotions in the first place.
I find myself at what feels like a very real and sacred impasse - where the effort I put forth to hide my shame is just becoming a true hindrance to enjoying a full life, from living my purpose. The effort I put forth to "fix" everything before anyone finds out - so that no matter what happens I wont have to ask for what I truly need has been creating depletion. Hiding my embarrassment and protecting myself from my actual reality only makes me feel more alone.
I don't have answers for myself - seeking them has just been leading me to such exhaustion. I acknowledge in this moment that there are truly no answers to be sought. I rededicate myself to embrace my emotion with so much love and self compassion, to allow myself to be real with my community. I am learning to let the heart lead the way.
I am here now to express the truth of my being, not the story I wished was true and want others to believe. I embrace the love of my family and community all over the place who only wants to love me for who I am, ALL OF ME. Thank you for loving me as I am. Thank you for loving me when I don't feel worthy or deserving."
One morning, just upon waking from my bed, I hear a mysterious knocking on my front door. I open the door and glance side to side to find that no one is there. Just as I am closing my door I find a small white envelope lying at my feet.
I hastily open it up, full of curiosity and wonder. It’s a note, seemingly an invitation. It read,
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there."
“Who wrote this?” I wonder.” Why do they want to meet with me, and where exactly is that field?” I am filled with so many questions. I read the message over and over and over again. “I don’t get it, these instructions are so ambiguous. If this person wants to meet with me, why not just provide a specific address?
I put the letter back in the envelope and toss it on my table only to notice that the back side was signed “Rumi”.
“Rumi. Rumi. Who are you Rumi? Why do you want to meet with me?”
I immediately decide to find out who this Rumi character is, so I facebook stalk him. Turns out he’s a “public figure”. He did not have many pictures posted, just a couple of him in a turban. Honestly, they didn’t look very real. According to his facebook page he died in the year 1273! Now that can’t be because he JUST left a note on my door.
Something told me I wouldn’t get through to him if I sent him a facebook message, so I decide instead to just see if I could find this mysterious field online. I google map “ideas of wrong doing and right doing” and believe it or not a particular business school in British Columbia Canada came up.
I zoom out a bit to see if I could find a nearby field and indeed I did! It looked like a football field – not exactly what I expected, but clearly I found the right place.
I think for a while about how reasonable it would be for me to travel and meet this Rumi up there. My main worry was that there was absolutely no mention in his note as to “when”. Furthermore I didn’t know if this was to be a big gathering or a personal event. If I should dress casually, or wear a suit.
I decided to visit his facebook page once more to see if perhaps he had any more clues for me. I found this instruction:
"Go to the well of deep Love inside each of Us."
Well that's it. Now he's posting to over a million people to go to some well. That's crazy. If there was a well inside of me I THINK I would have noticed! Furthermore, even if there was a well inside of me just how would I "go" to it? Would I have to somehow get inside myself, like swallowing my own body from the feet up? I wasn't going to try.
That ended my seeking once and for all. Since then, every once and a while he comes back with another message. I never really understand what he's trying to say, but I respect his style. If we ever met I would tell him to be more direct.
This one was entertaining. Like love can ferment.
"Be wild and crazy and drunk with Love, if you are too careful, Love will not find you."
And this one:
"You have to keep breaking your Heart until it opens."
I'm pretty sure one break would be enough!
Here's to you Rumi <3
Intro to upcoming webinar class series on the 12 houses:
The houses symbolize areas of life experience. They are WHERE all evolutionary activity occurs. The houses represent the earthly container, or context for the soul's evolutionary journey. It's where the party's at. The signs represent personalities; they are styles of expression, modes of operation that express a particular evolutionary intent.
Snapshot: the 2nd house.
The 2nd house is all about survival. And yet survival itself is linked to an even deeper psychology: self worth, self deserving. In order for survival to truly be sustained there needs to be an underlying inner want and worthiness to sustain ones life in the first place.
Some people live just to not die. Some people practice being healthy, but do not know healthfulness. Some people depend on the reliability of certain comforts such as pleasurable body sensations, warm baths, chocolate, an abundance of "things" as a way to feel secure in themselves. Other people shed themselves of any belongings that are not functional or necessary for survival - choosing instead a starkly minimalist lifestyle.
Some people are addicted to pleasure, some people don't experience enough of it. Some people are stagnant because they have too much wealth. Other people are suffering from a lack of basic physical needs.
For those who live in excess, depletion always follows.
For those who only survive, thriving is not an option.
Some people are home-full, at home in their bodies, while others seldom feel settled.
Those are all some of the incredibly wide and diverse expressions of the 2nd house. Everyone has a 2nd house, and yet we all relate to the archetype of "living" in very different ways.
The sign on the house represents the specific evolutionary dynamics/intentions/modes of operation manifesting in the area of life represented by the house. So for me, that's Scorpio. Scorpio is very different than Gemini. What does it mean for ME to have Scorpio on the 2nd house? What kind of life might I cultivate with Scorpio on the 2nd? And why? How would that be different than Gemini on the 2nd?
Starting in just a couple weeks I'm going to be teaching a 12 week webinar series on the 12 houses of astrology. This 12 week class series will be a wonderful learning experience in cultivating greater understanding and comprehension of the full life meaning of the 12 houses. These classes will also be spiritually uplifting, inspiring and empowering for our own soul journeys.
Each week we will return to examine a new house archetype. We will do this in part by looking at the charts of well known people by picking out the core themes that relate to each archetype. I will also tell stories and share the core teachings relevant to each house/ sign archetype.
What I'm excited about most with these classes is the opportunity to create the space for myself and all participants to really connect with the essence of each house.
To learn more visit: http://www.arimoshe.com/internet-classes.html